Why Reeve and Vincent Should Not Drink
by Asanisan
Summary: Title is self explanatory. Must be read with a spoonfull of humor. OOC due to consumption. NOT a ReeveVincent.
1. Thinking

"Hey, Vincent," Reeve spoke up from his seat next to the man caped in red sitting in the bar that most of their friends thought of as a second home. In some cases, such as the young ninja that had just walked out of the bathroom with nothing but a towel on and a toothbrush in her mouth, it was considered just plain home. Although, Reeve was of the opinion Yuffie carried the idea of home wherever she roamed. She somehow managed to keep a mindset that any edifice she currently had board arrangements in was home, and therefore homely behavior was not only okay, but to be expected. Hence, Reeve was treated to an all too brief flash of Yuffie's derriere as she headed up the stairs to her room.

When the red-eyed, raven-haired man looked from the girl to Reeve, Reeve saw fit to continue.

"I've just thought of a completely random, alcohol induced something. Hypothetically, in a completely out of the box, hair-brained, no chance of it every happening in this parallel dimension, speaking…"

Reeve trailed off and waited for Vincent to take the bait. They were both pretty soused, but not enough to where they would forget any parts of this conversation come tomorrow morning, so Reeve would let Vincent decide if he wanted to hear what Reeve had to say. It was that big of a doosie.

"…yes?"

Reeve smiled. Hook, line, and sinker.

"Out of the two of us, who do you think Yuffie would choose to be her boyfriend? I think it would be me," Reeve said pompously.

Vincent scoffed. "That's ridiculous, Reeve."

Reeve started to chuckle…

"She would obviously choose me."

…only to have it die in his throat. There was no way Vincent played along.

"Excuse me?"

"I said," Vincent enunciated clearly, "Yuffie would choose me. It is obvious."

"Oh, really now? How is it so obvious?" Reeve demanded.

"I'm more handsome. Not to mention I simply have better combat skills."

Oh, he did not just say that!

"I suppose Yuffie would choose you," Reeve seemingly agreed.

Vincent began to smirk.

"If she found girlish, pretty-boy good looks attractive." Watching the smirk melt into a frown gave Reeve more pleasure than he should admit. "And I would like to think Yuffie would not be so base as to choose her boyfriend based on how many enemies he can take down in twenty seconds." Although, he could picture Yuffie with a stop watch in hand screaming for the next contestant to "Go! Go! Go!" "You, Mr. Valentine, have no social skills whatsoever. You kill the mood almost every time you walk into a room and supplant your dark and brooding atmosphere. Yuffie would choose me because I make her laugh and can bring her joy."

Vincent seemed insulted and with more than half a bottle of rum in his gut, ready to strike back.

"At least I am not a grown man who still plays with toys and stuffed animals. The only reason you make her laugh is because you have the attitude of a child. Yuffie would need maturity for balance in the relationship. I am her opposite and therefore, better suited to her."

"The opposites attract theory only works if you have fundamental similarities. Yuffie and I have lots in common. She would choose me."

"You two have too much in common. Well, besides the age difference. On that note, I'm younger than you are. She would pick me."

"That's nit-picky! You're technically older than I am! On that basis, she'd pick me! Beside you look like something from a poorly tailored Dracula film."

"You did not just call me a vampire, you architectural nerd!"

"Blood-sucker!"

"Pansy!"

"You want to take this outside!"

"Why take it anywhere? Here is fine!"

"Geez, what's all the racket for? And why are my ninja senses telling me there's a ginormous cat fight about to start?"

Both men looked up from the choke hold they had on one another to see Yuffie coming down the stairs, thankfully regularly clothed. When she saw their hostile positions, she raised one eyebrow and tilted her head to the side questioningly.

Vincent and Reeve broke apart, each respectively clearing his throat and shifting nervously.

"Never mind. I don't want to know," Yuffie said tiredly. She shook her head and headed for the fridge. She reached in and pulled out a bottle of cream soda. She rubbed her head against it affectionately like a cat and sighed happily. She came to sit down in front of both men, motioning for them to sit. They sat. She unscrewed the lid on her bottle of soda and took a long drag before turning her attention to the both of them sitting guiltily before her.

"So what's up with the two of you? You two never fight."

Vincent looked away in embarrassment, but Reeve held her gaze firmly.

"We were just discussing a rather… interesting hypothetical."

"Just interesting?" she asked caustically.

"Well, I suppose you could say it spawned a rather heated debate. But now I realize that I would like a definitive answer to the question I posed."

"…Reeve," Vincent warned with his dangerous tone. It was a veiled, in your face threat.

"Perhaps you could help with the answer, Yuffie?"

"Sure," she said with a curious glance at Vincent's reaction.

"If I may be so bold, if you were to choose between the two of us, who would you choose to be your boyfriend?"

"I'd choose Red XIII," she said matter-of-factly and without a moment's hesitation, not even caring that Red XIII wasn't an answer choice. Both men were wide-eyed and stumped.

"Wh-what?"

"Why?"

"He doesn't blatantly stare at my ass when I'm going up the stairs. I like the gentlemen."

With that, she returned to her room with her soda and yes, she went up the stairs. Reeve couldn't help himself and stared at her butt as she climbed, her tight muscles flexing mouth-wateringly as she went up. When Reeve finally turned away, he didn't feel so bad because Vincent had stared after her longer.

"…Reeve?"

"Yeah, Vince?"

"You don't think…"

"Nah, she wouldn't choose Red."

"…"

"I mean just think of the ugly children they'd have."

"Yes," Vincent agreed with a smirk. "It was exactly the type of thing she would say just to throw us off. Utterly preposterous."

Neither man said anything, but both were thinking the same thing. It was just preposterous enough that she would try it at least once.

With decidedly worried minds, both men threw back another shot of rum.

* * *

In her room, Yuffie was laughing her head off into her cell phone. 

"Red XIII! Ha! As if! Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm telling you, Cloud. You should have seen their faces! Ha! Ha!"


	2. Scheming

**Chapter Two:** Scheming

"Hey, Red! Come dance with me!"

"But Yuffie, I can't…"

"It's the funky chicken, Red. Anyone can do it. Just act, you know, funky."

Yuffie latched on to Red XIII's face and pulled him out onto Seventh Heaven's small and currently crowded dance floor. It was the Summer Festival and everyone was having a good time. Well, everyone except Reeve and Vincent.

"Now, Vincent," Reeve admonished, throwing back another shot of mixed vodka and tequila. Horrible tasting, burning, and exactly what he needed right now to stave off his own jealousy. "If you glare like that, you're liable to set his fur on fire. Oh, look. I think you already got his tail."

Vincent just continued to glare. Red XIII, in all his cat like senses, turned anxiously at the two of them at the bar. The fire cat looked nervous. Not surprising. Reeve would definitely not want to be on the receiving end of a patented Vincent Valentine Glare of Doom-oom-oom-om. Echo not included.

He watched with well-hidden (as in obvious to anyone who looked) fury as Red XIII turned away from the two men to ask something that made Yuffie giggle. The ninja leaned down with a bright smile and whispered something in the cat's ear. Something that made him blush and send a fearful glance their way. Reeve poured himself and Vincent another round. Both men chugged it down as they watched the ninja dance the funky chicken with Red XIII.

"Hey, Vincent?"

"…Yes?"

"Y'know, I bet we could knock him out with large enough dose of catnip."

"Reeve, that's ridiculous."

Reeve frowned…

"The butt end of my gun would be more cost effective."

…only to smile sadistically in agreement to Vincent's idea.

"I think I know a good closet to lock him up in," Reeve suggested.

"Again, you show your pansyness. We must remove him permanently," he said, reaching to his holster and fingering Cerberus like it was the pet cat of the evil mastermind hell bent on taking over the world with one million dollars.

"Pansyness isn't a word, Vincent. I was thinking of doing just that before we stashed him the closet. If he got out, Yuffie would object."

"And she can't find out," Vincent nodded, talkative with the amount of alcohol running through his system. "She wouldn't understand that we were merely looking out for her."

"Yes, and think of their ugly children. Killing the father before conception would be like a mercy killing."

"Yes, very merciful."

"When should we do it?"

Vincent pulled out Cerberus. "I have a clean shot as soon as he stops moving."

Reeve placed a restraining hand on the gun. "Not yet. She'll see."

"…Right," he agreed, holstering his gun reluctantly.

"I propose we invite him for a drink. One of us will ask Yuffie to dance, thereby distracting her, while the other takes care of our little problem."

"Right. I'll dance with her."

"What? No! I get to dance with her!"

There was no way Reeve was letting Vincent one-up him like that.

"Why?"

"Because you're the one with the gun!"

"Hm. Pansy."

"Bloodsucker. How about we let our fists decide. Rock, paper, scissors?

Vincent and Reeve stuck out their hands and faced each other, fists at the ready. They pounded a couple of times before showing their hands. Luckily, Reeve managed to make the fairly easy rock symbol in his inebriated state. Vincent was not so lucky.

"What the hell is that?" Reeve asked, pointing at the curled fingers and open palm.

"…Rock."

"You don't sound to sure about that."

"…Redo."

They heard Yuffie laugh from across the room. Both turned to see her scratching behind Red XIII's ears as the dance ended. The fire cat's leg twitched happily with her ministrations.

"Forget this, Vincent. Let's just go!"

"Hm," the caped crusader agreed.

Both men bolted from their seats and swaggered toward the dance floor. Unfortunately, they swaggered right into each other, both of them losing their balance and falling flat on their faces.

"Hello, Vincent. Hello, Reeve."

Both men looked up to meet the golden eye of the fire cat. Both stared blankly, drunk minds taking a little longer to catch up to this turn of events.

"Um…Yuffie told me everything. And while I am greatly flattered that the two of you would hold such feelings for me, I must say that I simply cannot reciprocate." What the hell was he talking about? And why was he blushing like a little school girl? "I really have no attraction to members of your species. I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings. And please, don't glare at Yuffie so hostile. She's my friend and even though I danced with her it doesn't mean I have feelings for her. Um…like I said, I'm flattered, but…well…"

Both men looked up with utter confusion at Red XIII's babbling.

"Red, what the hell are you talking about?" Reeve finally asked.

"Your attraction to me. Yuffie said you both thought you liked me. I was trying to let you down easy."

Reeve was shocked into silence. From the choking noises Vincent was making, he wasn't in any better condition.

"…Yuffie said…" Vincent choked out.

"What?" Reeve yelled, finally finding his voice.

They heard Yuffie bust out in loud laughter. She came over to sit in front of the both of them and slung her arm around Red XIII.

"Sorry, Red, but they don't really like you. I was just playing a prank on them. Thanks for helping."

"Your welcome. What a relief!" He cast a knowing look at the stunned, but quickly turning angry, men staring at the laughing ninja. "I think I'm going to go dance some more, Yuffie. That was fun."

"Okay, see you later, fuzzy," Yuffie smiled.

Despite what he had said, Red XIII still licked her forehead before wandering back on the dance. Reeve didn't have much time to process the implications before Yuffie turned a harsh glare on them.

"Yuffie…how could you…you…"

"Embarrass the heck out of you? Slander your names? Call into question your sexual preferences and orientation? I'm glad you asked, Vinnie."

Yuffie set a contemptuous eye on the two drunken men prostrated on the ground before her.

"I did it because it serves you right thinking I would be into bestiality. I mean, grossness! You should know me better than to take me seriously like that."

Both men looked down at the floor, very contrite. Planning to off their friend over one of her jokes, which they should have known was a joke, was reprehensible. Did they really know so little of her to not see it was another of her quirks?

"…Sorry."

"Yes, Yuffie. We're very sorry."

"Apologies accepted," she smiled brightly. "Now how about you two get off the floor?"

They found their feet with her help. She helped them back to their seats, where they both drained the rest of the liquid in their mugs. Yuffie sat down between them, pulling a bottle of coke out from behind the bar. It was a trick only she could manage, seeing as how most of the bottles behind the bar were filled with liquor.

Reeve saw the sweet glances Vincent was throwing her when he thought she was looking, but only because he was throwing his own as well. Maybe she would resolve this little triangle this go around.

"Okay, now seriously, Yuffie. If it was between just the two of us, who would you choose to be your boyfriend?"

"Reno, of course," she answered, again not caring that Reno was not one of the answer choices. "I always was crazy for tattoos."

With a smile, she bounded off for the dance floor, leaving the two men behind her once again stunned.

They turned to each other, silently asking the other if she was serious. Then they turned to the dance floor to see the ninja talking animatedly with a flirtatious red-haired Turk. They soon parted ways, Reno heading to the bar and Yuffie getting lost in the crowd.

"It's going to be one hell of a night," they heard the Turk crow happily as he sat down to the right of the two men and pulled a whiskey from behind the bar along with two glasses.

"Vincent?"

"Yes, Reeve?"

"I see no reason why our previous planning would not work for this situation."

"Neither do I."

* * *

Across the room, Yuffie was busy laughing on the shoulders of her blonde and brunette friends. 

"Reno! Ha! Ha! That almost as unbelievable as Red! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

Tifa was laughing with her and Cloud was chuckling heartily. However, one glance at the bar stopped the blonde's mirth.

"Um, Yuffie. I think you might need to go save your 'boyfriend.'"

"Wha…No, Vinnie! Put the gun away!"


	3. More Thinking and Scheming

**Chapter Three:** More Thinking and Scheming

"…Is Yuffie still at the hospital?" Vincent asked as he came to sit beside Reeve for their now weekly drinking session. It was a time when the two could unwind, reaffirm their camaraderie toward each other, and generally discuss important issues and current events. In other words, it was their "guys' night out."

Reeve poured Vincent a shot of tequila and groaned. "Yes. It's been two weeks and the baby still refuses to leave the hospital. He's walked with a limp before. I don't see why now would be any different."

"…Yuffie," Vincent explained, taking the shot and then pulling a beer out from behind the bar.

"You're right as usual," Reeve agreed, taking his shot and reaching for the tequila to pour another. "Have you seen the way she fawns over him? It's disgusting. Why would she choose now to grow a conscience? Acting like the perfect little nurse the way she does. And the bastard just eats it up. He lays there in his stupid pink cast and tries to look cool and flirts with her. Why couldn't you have hit him in the head instead of his leg?"

"…I tried. She was too quick with turning the gun down." Vincent said mournfully, taking a very long sip of his beer while Reeve downed another shot of tequila.

Both men were developing a good buzz from the alcohol. Vincent was getting more talkative by the minute and Reeve's mind was getting more deluded.

"I thought the pink cast would be punishment enough, but now I see we need to take more extreme measures. I propose we put mice in his bed. Of course they must be dyed blue and have yellow ribbons on their necks. And then we put an angry, color blind kitten in there. It won't be able to tell the mice from the Turk and will scratch him real good."

"Reeve, that is preposterous."

Reeve scowled…

"The ribbons must be red. The kitten will confuse them with his hair and scratch his face as well."

…only to smirk evilly at Vincent's idea.

"Brilliant, Vincent. Simply brilliant," he gushed. "Margarita?"

"Yes, please."

As Reeve was mixing the drinks, Yuffie walked in and sat with a flop on the stool behind the bar. She brought out a Dr. Ruchin and hugged it tight, the drowsiness disappearing of her face for a moment.

"Sweet caffeine! I have missed thee," she said with feeling before opening the bottle and drinking almost half of the contents.

Reeve and Vincent watched her from the other side of the bar longingly. Reeve poured their margaritas and both took a quick sip, trying not to stare at the creamy skin exposed while she threw her head back and drank.

"Ah," she said, finally coming back for air. She turned to pout at them. "You know, you guys really suck."

"Actually, I think Vincent swallows, but please inform me as to why I suck," Reeve said with a sweet smile, ignoring the glare Vincent threw him.

"You two," she yelled, pointing accusingly at the less than sober men, "are the reason I'm stuck being that Turkey's slave!"

Reeve and Vincent looked at her with astonishment.

"…What?"

"Please, explain, Yuffie."

"It's your fault I lost the bet!"

Both men gave each other a confused look before turning back to Yuffie.

"…Bet?"

"What bet?"

Yuffie sighed exasperatedly. "The bet I made with Reno at Summer Festival."

Neither knew what she was talking about, so they simply continued to stare at her with confusion.

She gave a frustrated growl before continuing. "I told Reno that Elena was drunk and lonely and looking for a good one night stand with the next male to talk to her and that he should go for it. When he didn't believe me and said he would probably end up in the hospital if he did talk to her, I bet him that if he did get hurt that night, I would be his personal slave for the next month, but if he ended up with Elena that night that I got his best mag-rod with all the materia still in it. I knew I couldn't lose, because I wasn't lying for once. It would have been major cool materia for me easy. But no! You had to be an ass and shoot him. It's all your fault!" She took another drink of her carbonated beverage before hitting her head on the countertop.

"…Does this mean…"

"You don't like Reno?"

"No! Sure he's hot, but he's a jerk! Every time he opens his mouth, I just want to deck him. Can't you tell when I'm joking?" she yelled in their faces. "And he has me running here and there. Doing this and that! It's a freaking hospital! They have nurses to do that stuff. But no! I have to keep my word and do shit for him! 'Fluff my pillows, Yuffie. Get me a beer, Yuffie. Smile like you mean it, Yuffie!' I can't stand it anymore! And there's still two more weeks to go!"

She started banging her head on the counter. Reeve and Vincent both slid their hands under her forehead to prevent further damage. She glared at them and then just sighed, leaving her head in their hands.

"And that, gentlemen, is why you suck."

Both men reach their other hands across the bar to pat her on the back. She smiled gratefully.

"Thanks, guys. I needed that. I'm going to go take a shower and get the Turkey stink off me. You'll be here when I get out right?"

"…Of course."

"Most definitely."

"Alright. Try not to drink too much."

With that, she walked to bathroom, leaving the two men to themselves.

"So there is hope after all."

"Hm. It seems that way."

"What a relief. I didn't know where I was going to find a color-blind kitten."

"Couldn't Cait find one?"

"Cait can't speak cat. It's one of his little quirks."

"You built him. Can't you fix that?"

"Vincent, I can't speak cat either. How would I program the language into him?"

"You're the designer genius."

"I thought I was the architectural nerd."

"You are."

"Stupid vampire."

"Weaponless pansy."

"Bloody Mary?"

"Yes, please."

Reeve started to mix the drink while Vincent finished the rest of the margarita mix.

"You know, I think we might want to apologize to Reno." Reeve suggested.

"Why? He still flirts with her."

"Good point."

Reeve finished mixing the drinks and poured them it the mugs, adding two tropical mini-umbrellas he had managed to stab himself with when he was looking for ingredients.

"Hey, Vincent? Could I design a new costume for you?"

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

"You mean besides the fact it looks like Dracula's old hand-me-downs?"

"…What did you have in mind?" Vincent asked with trepidation.

"I was thinking something red and sleek. Sort of like a sports car look. Ladies love sports cars."

"I like the billow effect. It makes me look mysterious."

"I suppose. I'll never figure out how you can keep it out of the way when you fight."

"It takes practice."

"You mean you actually practice with it?"

Vincent nodded.

"Huh. Maybe that's my problem," Reeve thought out loud.

The men went back to sipping their drinks quietly while the next topic came to them.

"Hey, Vincent?"

"…Yes?"

"I've been thinking."

Vincent raised one eyebrow at him. Reeve took it as the sign to continue.

"How do you breed a purple chocobo? Blue, red, white, hell even the pink I can see, but how the hell do you get a purple one."

"Maybe you breed a red chocobo with a blue chocobo."

"But with that reasoning, the black chocobo would be a turquoise chocobo."

"It could be dyed."

"No, I plucked out a feather once. Completely purple."

"…Maybe you feed it a certain green. Like flamingos and shrimp," Vincent suggested.

"Maybe…"

"Hey, Vincent?"

The raised eyebrow told Reeve to continue.

"Where do you think Yuffie keeps all the weapons for her Throw material? She doesn't have sleeves and everything else is too tight to hide anything in."

"Maybe she keeps them in her shuriken holster."

"Or maybe she keeps them under her belt."

"Actually, I pull them out of my ass," Yuffie said, emerging from the bathroom turned steam room. "Want to see?"

Both men turned to look at her and almost started drooling. She was again in nothing but a towel, a rather small towel. She grinned and walked past them to her room, her room _upstairs._ Both Reeve and Vincent tilted their heads as she climbed to see if they might catch a glimpse under the towel. No such luck.

"She doesn't really keep them up her ass, does she?" Reeve asked.

"Surely not. She was joking."

"Are you sure?"

"…Fairly."

They continued drinking. Suddenly, Reeve had a very naughty idea. He smirked evilly.

"Hey, Vincent?"

"…Yes?"

"Want to make sure?"

Reeve saw the alcoholically slowed cogs in Vincent's head turning.

"…What do you propose?"

"Well, first we have to get her naked…"

"Yes."

"Um, any ideas?"

The two thought about it for a moment.

"We could get her drunk," said the drunken Vincent.

"Nah, Tifa'd kill us. I know! Let's put gerbils down her shirt and pants! I think she told me once that she's afraid of gerbils."

"Are you sure she wasn't joking?"

"No," Reeve answered sadly.

"We could Steal her towel the next time she takes a shower."

"Simple, yet inspired. I like it!"

Vincent smiled faintly.

"Right," Reeve planned, "so the next time she takes a shower, we Steal her towel. I'll hold her close while you check to see if she keeps anything up that luscious ass. Then I'll cart her off and have my way with her until she forgets the whole thing ever happened. It's fool proof!"

"Except that you will be checking up her ass and I will be carting her off you mean," Vincent corrected in a tone that left no room for argument.

"We've been over this, Vincent. I'm simply the better match for her. I should be the one to cart her off."

"I seem to remember that we agreed I was her favored choice."

"We agreed to no such thing. We agreed that you would only depress her with your brooding atmosphere."

"And that you would bore her with your childish behavior," Vincent added.

"Oh, yeah? Well you're too pretty for her!"

"And you're not manly enough, Reeve Who Plays With Dolls."

"They're robots, you trigger happy lunatic!"

"At least I can fight, you building freak!"

"Vampire!"

"Pansy!"

"What are you two fighting about?" Yuffie asked, coming down the stairs.

The two angry men turned to her, the fire and alcohol still showing in their eyes.

"Yuffie! Who would you rather have to cart you off and have his way with you? Me or the brooding vampire?"

"Yes! Me or the nerdy pansy?"

"Hm," she thought, putting a hand to her chin and scrunching her forehead cutely. "Well that would have to be Rufus, of course. I always did love men with money and power."

"Oh, goody! Cloud's here!" she exclaimed and rushed out of the bar as she heard Fenrir pull up in the drive.

Reeve was devastated. He turned to Vincent only to be greeted by the same stricken look.

"Vincent, he signs my paychecks. What am I going to do?"

Vincent was too lost in his own thought to answer. "I have no money. Nor that kind of power. How can I compete?"

The two swallowed the rest of the alcohol in their mugs.

"Do you think…maybe we could forge his will, get rid of him, and then take all his worldly belongings," suggested Reeve.

"Sounds like a plan," Vincent smirked.

"Now all we have to do is get close to him so no one will suspect us of the crime."

The two men sat and thought about how best to go about it. Neither was coming up with very good ideas due to their inebriated brains.

"Maybe he'd like a purple chocobo…"

* * *

The ninja bounced happily over to her blonde friend and a figure cloaked in white sitting on the large motorcycle. She immediately told of her latest trick and burst into a laughing fit. 

"Ha! Ha! Rufus! Ha! That's about as likely as breeding a purple chocobo! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

"Um, Yuffie…" Cloud warned.

"What?" Her laughter abruptly died. "Oh, hey, Rufus."

"Hello, Yuffie," the former president greeted, removing the white hood.

Suddenly, the girl broke out her mischievous grin.

"Hey, Rufus, want to play a joke on Reeve and Vincent?"


	4. Not Thinking, but Definitely Scheming

**Chapter Four:**

"Come on, Rufus," Yuffie cajoled. "It'll be tons of fun to pull a prank on those two drunken sods."

"That depends. Will I end up getting shot like Reno?"

"That depends. How fast can you dodge?"

Rufus frowned at her. She smiled disarmingly and slung an arm around the tall man's shoulder.

"Aw, you know I'm just joking with you, Ru-Ru. You're _the_ Rufus Shin-Ra. The chances of them trying to attack you are slim to pssh. I mean, what are they going do? Call out Chaos on your ass?"

* * *

"We can always call Chaos out on his ass," Reeve suggested. 

"Won't work. Chaos returned to the planet. Remember?"

"Oh yeah."

* * *

At Rufus's wide-eyes, Yuffie decided to do some damage control. 

"Don't worry! Chaos already returned to the planet. Besides, he was always like a cute little puppy next to the Great Ninja Yuffie. I'll protect you. I saved Reno didn't I?"

* * *

"Besides," Vincent added, "Chaos was always like a little puppy next to Yuffie." 

"Really? I always thought he was like a cute little kitten."

"You have an odd fixation with cats."

"And moogles! Don't forget moogles."

* * *

Rufus gave her a nonplussed look. "Yuffie, Reno is in the hospital." 

"Yeah, and if I hadn't saved him, he'd be in the morgue right now. Vincent was aiming for his head, you know." She illustrated her statement by tapping her thumb to her own forehead.

"Why doesn't that make me feel any better?"

"Oh, please. Stopping acting like you're all iffy about this. You know you like messing with people's heads as much as I do. Come on, what do you say?"

Rufus smirked evilly at her gleeful smile. "It would be my pleasure."

* * *

"Now, wait a second, Vincent. A thought has just occurred to me. Let's take a step back here." 

Vincent got up to take the step back, but Reeve stopped him.

"No, no Vincent. It was just a figure of speech. Very easy mistake, yes, I know. But regarding our Rufus problem, I feel we've been in this type of situation before. In both instances, she was just joking. It stands to reason that this instance would be the same."

"Isn't there a saying about that? Fool me twice, shame on you, but fool me three times, shame on me?"

"Yes, it is indeed! And to insure that we are not fools, we must not fall for her jokes!"

"…I believe you are ignoring the possibility that it may be true."

"Nonsense! The possibility of Yuffie and Rufus getting together is absolutely…"

"Oh, Ru-Ru," Yuffie laughed as she entered the bar, on the arm on none other than Rufus Shin-Ra. "You're such a charmer!"

Her adoring gaze directed at the former president was almost sobering.

"…fulfilled?" Vincent asked as he finished Reeve's sentence.

The two men glared death at the man Yuffie brought over to say hello.

"Vincent! Reeve! Look who decided to stop by!" Yuffie exclaimed joyously.

"Good afternoon, Reeve, Vincent Valentine," Rufus greeted coolly, the killing intent direct toward rolling off his back like water off of duck feathers.

Cloud walked in behind the couple and joined Reeve and Vincent at the bar. He reached behind the bar and managed to locate a bottle of water on his second try.

"Hey, Vince, Reeve."

The both muttered their hellos before turning their attention back to the fashionably dressed pretty boy that had Yuffie's complete attention.

"Did you want to go now?" he asked the ninja in a smooth and debonair way that made Reeve want to shoot him. He saw Vincent's hand twitch out of the corner of his eye.

"Sure," Yuffie replied. "Just let me go get my coat and we'll go."

She ran up the stairs, providing the entire room with a nice view of her shapely legs and firm butt. When she was out of the room, the two drinkers turned on the Shin-Ra.

"So, Rufus, what brings you here?" Reeve asked too kindly.

"I find my retreat at Healin is becoming boring. I thought I would have Cloud deliver me to the city for a night of entertainment with Yuffie."

"Oh?" Reeve saw Vincent's hands shake slightly. "And what exactly are you planning on doing tonight?"

Rufus had the audacity to smirk. "A gentleman does not kiss and tell, Reeve."

"Ha! Ha! Psych!" Yuffie yelled as she burst out from the stairway. "Rufus and I aren't…no, Vinnie! Let him go!"

Yuffie jumped on Vincent's back and tried to pry his hands away from Rufus's throat. It was hard to do with all the shaking. Reeve played cheerleader from the sidelines.

"Yay, Vincent! Go! Fight! Win!"

Cloud calmly sipped at his water, secretly dying of laughter on the inside.

Rufus was looking considerably blue when Yuffie managed to get Vincent away from him. The poor president coughed and sucked in air like there was no tomorrow. Yuffie somehow managed to rub his back comfortingly and hit Vincent over the head at the same time.

"What the hell is wrong with you two? Are you drunk or something? Wait. Stupid question. Can't you take a joke?" she screamed at them.

"Yuffie," Rufus wheezed.

She looked down at him.

"You…owe me…"

She sighed. "Yeah, tell me something I don't know. Come on, Cloud. Let's deliver him to the hospital."

Cloud got up and helped Rufus out to Fenrir. Yuffie stayed behind to knock both of them over the head once more and then left. Both men returned to the bar feeling like fools.

Reeve poured them some Jose Cuervo. They both threw one back and sighed.

"You know, Vincent, I'm starting to think getting drunk when we hang out isn't such a good idea."

"Then what do you suggest we do to pass the time?"

"Well…we could always raid Yuffie's panty drawer."

"Sounds like a plan."

They threw back another round, feeling better about their new plan.

* * *

The three of them were waiting in the emergency room, the loud laughter from the ninja scaring the rest of the would-be patients that were one by one leaving because of the obviously mental girl. 

"Ha! Ha! It's kind of funny now that Rufus's life isn't in danger, huh, Cloud? Ha! Ha! Ha!"

"Speak for yourself," Rufus reprimanded. "I want the same deal Reno had."

"What? But…"

"Or I'll take away all caffeine privileges at WRO headquarters."

"No! Please! I'll do anything!"

"The same deal as Reno, then."

"Fine," she whimpered. "I could really use some caffeine right about now."

"Will you stop teasing them now, Yuffie?" Cloud asked.

"Nope," she said happily. A mischievous gleam came to her eyes and she smiled sweetly at the chocobo blonde. "Hey, Cloud? Wanna…"

"No."

"Oh, come on. You've been having fun so far, haven't you?"

"The answer is no, Yuffie. I'd rather like to stay out of the hospital, thanks."

She pouted, but he wouldn't budge.

"Hmph. Pansy."


	5. I'll Think and Scheme When I'm Sober

**Chapter Five:**

"You know, for someone who likes materia as much as Yuffie, I would have thought all her underwear would have materia designs all over it."

"…I thought we weren't going to drink anymore," Vincent said as he took a long sip from the whiskey bottle he had swiped from the bar.

"No, we were going to raid Yuffie's panty drawer. It just so happens that we have to be drunk before we're that brave," Reeve said as he placed a pair of rainbow-striped panties with tonberries printed on them on his head. He reached over to his own bottle of vodka and took a burning gulp.

"Pansy," Vincent ridiculed, drooling over a black pair with red lace.

"Hey, you're drunk, too," Reeve whined. "Stupid vampire."

Yuffie's panty drawer was a treasure trove. It was practically bursting with all types of panties, from cute girly ones like the ones adorning Reeve's head to the sexy seductive ones Vincent was sniffing at the moment.

"Vincent, I didn't know you were a closet pervert."

"Shut up! They smell nice," he pouted.

"Okay, Vincent, I'm cutting you off. Hand over the bottle." Reeve held his hand out to the red-caped man and almost fell over as he lost his balance. He regained his sitting position, though, and waved for Vincent to hand over the whiskey.

Vincent glared at him and held the bottle far away. "…Come and take it."

"Oh, hey! They do smell nice," Reeve said, finally registering that the ones of his head were emitting a faint aroma. "Huh! I bet she sprays perfume in her panty drawer. That's really girly for Yuffie."

"But not unappreciated," Vincent said and went back to sniffing Yuffie's underwear.

Reeve ignored him and started rummaging around to find a cuter pair to wear that would match his suit better.

"What are you doing?"

Reeve and Vincent turned around to face the owner of the voice, too drunk to have any other reaction than to stare dully at the boy. It never occurred to their inebriated minds to try to hide the evidence of their recent exploits.

"Are you going through Yuffie's underwear?!" Denzel questioned, angrily walking into the room.

"Maybe," Reeve sang.

"Get lost, little boy," Vincent said with narrowed eyes, holding on a little tighter than necessary to the little black number in his hands.

"No! You can't do this! I'm telling!"

"Now, now, Denzel," Reeve comforted. "There's no need to tell. We…uh, got permission from Yuffie. Right, Vincent?"

"Wha…yes! Yes, that's right!"

"I don't believe you!"

Vincent rolled his eyes and Reeve shrugged. It was worth a try.

"My future wife would never let perverts like you get anywhere near her panty drawer!"

Both men could only blink at what the little blue-eyed boy had said.

"…Future…"

"Wife?!" Reeve squeaked.

Denzel nodded emphatically and then reached into the jacket he was wearing and pulled out a piece of paper with crayon writing.

"She promised me she would be my wife! I even got her to sign a contract," he said happily.

"Let me see that," Reeve demanded and snatched the paper out of the boy's hands. The words swam a little, but he squinted his eyes and the words found some solid ground to stand on. Vincent leaned in to read as well.

_I, Yuffie Kisaragi, do hereby solemly swear to marry Denzel Strife when he is old enough to marry, on my honor as a ninja. In acordance with this document, I also swear that I will give Denzel all the hugs and kisses that he wants provided that he hands over all materia he will ever recieve._

And there, at the bottom of the letter, was Yuffie's signature in purple crayon. What the hell?

"Pretty good, huh?" Denzel smirked and crossed his arms pompously over his chest. "I got the girl two grown men couldn't get."

Vincent growled.

"What!" Reeve yelled.

"Don't play dumb! I've seen the way you've been looking at my woman!" the little boy accused. "Step off, perverts! Or I'll get Cloud to beat your asses!"

Vincent and Reeve advanced on the youth, an ominous, dark aura surrounding the two of them. Denzel looked a little worried and started to back away from them, but Vincent's metal hand reached out and grabbed hold of the boy's shirt front, bringing him face to face to face with the two angry men.

"I know ten different ways to kill you with a spoon," Vincent growled harshly.

"I can put you in a room with things from my worst nightmares where no one can here you scream 'please, God, no.'" Reeve threatened quietly.

"Uh…heh…h-help…" Denzel managed to whisper.

"Denzel!" they heard from downstairs. "I'm here to baby-sit!"

It was Yuffie. For a second, the three of them froze. Then Denzel's face took on an evil smile. He opened his mouth for a yell. Vincent and Reeve's eyes went wide, but before they could cover his mouth, he screamed.

"YUFFIEHELPVINCENTANDREEVEARETRYINGTOKILLME! Mmph!"

Vincent and Reeve each held a hand over the boy's mouth, but it was too late. They heard Yuffie running up the stairs.

"What?!" They saw her reach the landing and in what seemed like slow motion, they watched her run up to them, stop, and register the scene.

"A-are those my panties?"

Vincent and Reeve stared for a moment and then ran back into the room.

"Grab the panties and run!" Reeve yelled as he ran.

"No, duh!" Vincent said as the two men each grabbed half of the contents of the drawer and made a dash for the window.

They didn't make it far however, as they both tripped over a trip wire and landed straight into a booby-trapped net that was disguised in the pattern of the rug.

It took them a while to get over the disorienting feeling of hanging from the ceiling. They saw Yuffie walk over with the brat firmly attached to her leg in a hug that was sure to be cutting off blood flow.

"You know," the ninja said, "I'm half tempted to play hit the piñata. You got a bat Denzel?"

"Sure! Let me go get it!" the boy cried excitedly before rushing out of the room.

Yuffie turned to glare at them. "You want explain what you're doing with my underwear?"

Reeve glanced at Vincent, who glanced back at him. Reeve knew he looked ridiculous with her tonberry panties on her head, but then Vincent didn't look much better, having taken the black pair's waistband between his teeth so that he didn't lose his favorite pair in the bundle he was holding. The two sighed and turned back to Yuffie.

"The drink made us do it?" Reeve offered.

"Which is why you two should really not drink," she concluded, taking a small shuriken from Bahamut knows where and cutting a wire to her left.

The two fell painfully to the ground in a mess of panties, net, and each other.

"Yuffie! Yuffie! I got the bat! Can I hit…aw."

Denzel returned with Cloud's Nail Bat. Suddenly, the two men wanted out of the tangled net very badly.

"Sorry, Denz. No piñata today."

The little boy sulked and hugged her leg again, keeping the Bat close at hand just in case.

"Okay! Here's the deal! You two can keep one pair, but you have to put the others back."

"What!" Denzel screeched.

"Really?" Reeve asked excitedly.

He and Vincent immediately put their bundles back in the drawer. Vincent happily started sniffing the black pair again, but Reeve started searching for one that would match his suit better.

"But Yuffie! You're my woman! You can't give them that stuff if you're my woman!" Denzel cried.

"What? Your woman? Where'd you get that idea?"

Vincent and Reeve turned their full attention on the two of them.

Denzel held the contract up to her with a pout. Reeve wondered how he had gotten it back. Yuffie read over it frown.

"I didn't sign this." She looked down at Denzel sternly. "Denzel did you forge my signature?"

The boy fidgeted nervously against her leg. "Maybe?"

"Hm. You did a really good job. It looks exactly like my signature."

Denzel nodded enthusiastically. "Yep! I practiced it all day until I got it right."

Yuffie smiled and looked flattered. "Aw, that's so sweet!"

She bent down and gave him a hug, which the little boy just ate up. Reeve heard Vincent growl and he knew there was a fierce scowl on his own face.

"Sweet? Yuffie, he forged your signature! Shouldn't you be punishing him?!" Reeve asked. Suddenly, an image of Yuffie telling Denzel he'd been a very bad boy and spanking his bare butt while he was in her lap came into his head. In Reeve's perverted mind, that was actually kind of kinky and he wouldn't mind being in Denzel's place. Damn. How much alcohol had he had? "You know, like grounding him," he added hastily.

Denzel stuck his tongue out at Reeve.

"Well, if I ground him, I can't give you any panties. It's only fair."

Reeve shut his mouth quickly at the threat and Vincent's glare.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. When you two are done in here, come down to the bar. I need to talk to you."

The two of them nodded. And Yuffie left with Denzel trailing along behind, the little brat giving them the finger before turning out of sight. Neither of the men seemed to care. Vincent, like the good friend he was, waited for Reeve to find a pair of panties to match his suit. While it seemed like a nice gesture, Reeve knew Vincent just wanted more time to smell it up.

And then there it was! The pair to end all pairs! Or something like that. It was blue satin with Cait Siths all over it! How could such perfect panties exist?

Reeve quickly yanked the pair on his head off and pulled the new blue pair on. It was a perfect fit, too! Reeve was in love.

----------------------------------------------------------

They met Yuffie down at the bar, Vincent fingering the lacy pair in his pocket and Reeve sporting the newest fashion in headwear. She sighed and shook her head. She was going to miss this.

She cleared her throat to get their attention. When she was sure their bleary eyes were partially focused on her, she started her little speech.

"It has come to my attention that you two cannot hold your liquor. As such, Tifa and I- and Cloud cause he made me- have decided that since my wicked ways will not be deterred, we are restricting your rights to the alcohol. From now on, you get alcohol stamps."

"Alcohol stamps?" they asked in unison.

"Yeah. You know, sort of like food stamps, except for alcohol. You get five a month good for whatever beverage you want. Shots count for a third of one stamp, so chose wisely. Once all the stamps are used, you don't get anymore until next month."

The two were looking at her funny, sort of like they were hearing her voice, but it wasn't reaching their brains. Yuffie suspected it was the panties and the headband cutting off blood flow to the brain.

"Now, Tifa and Cloud…ergh, that is, the Combined Affiliates Against Drunk Reeves and Vincents, or CAADRAV, of which I am a (unwilling) member, understand that it may be hard for alkies such as yourselves to handle such a reduction in your happy, fun time. As such, we have set up an AA rewards program to instill good habits in our reformees. For every coupon you don't use, you get a nifty sticker."

She proudly held up a sheet of rainbow stickers with the message "I'm not gay. I'm alcohol free!" printed in bright, bold letters.

"I'd rather use the coupons," Reeve said, the stickers a little too much for even his bizarre tastes.

Vincent nodded.

"But wait! There's more," she said as if showcasing the grand prize. "Every sticker, if worn for approximately one hour standard Pacific Time, is good for one Yuffie kiss."

Both men were starting to drool over the stickers and Yuffie couldn't help but grin. She had them- hook, line, and sinker.

"So act today! While supplies last."

She put the stickers away and watched them slowly register that the bright rainbows were gone. Stealthily, she reached under the counter and palmed her camera behind her back.

"Oh, and one last thing, boys," she said seriously with a guilty expression that had they not been drunk could have been spotted immediately as insincere. "I really should tell you the truth. It's only fair to you. Last night, I had hot girl sex with Tifa. And it was the best damn sex I've ever had in my life!"

Both men's jaws hit the floor, a little blood trickling for their noses at what were probably very naughty mental images. There was a snap, a flash, and a deep cackle. Yuffie was out the door in the blink of an eye.

"Just kidding! Got ya!" she yelled over her shoulder just before exiting, leaving the two men to slowly piece together.

"Reeve?"

"Yeah, Vincent?"

"Want to find those stickers?"

-------------------------------------------------------

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Just look at their faces!" Yuffie screeched outside the bar at the two AVALANCHE members who had come back from wherever they had went to spend some "alone time" together.

"Yuffie…you…really shouldn't have said that," Tifa said, trying to hold back the giggles at the sight of the picture in her hands.

"Heh. Serves them right," Cloud added with a chuckle as he glanced at the photo.

"Relax, Tifa. I told them I was joking. As if," Yuffie said, totally dismissing the idea of anyone taking her seriously.

"So, you did set up the CAADRAV program?" Cloud asked.

"Aw, Cloudy, you used the acronym," Yuffie teased in a sugary voice.

"It was easier than saying the name," Cloud said with a blush.

"Anyways, it's all set up," she said happily. "Even the rainbow stickers."

"Are you sure about this, Yuffie?" Tifa asked with concern. "You know they're going to save their coupons and get stickers for kisses."

"Aw, it'll be fine, Tifa. A kiss is a kiss. If they want anything more than a peck on the cheek from this girl, they have to catch me first, just like any other man."

"Why do I get the feeling that's never going to happen?" Cloud asked with a wry smiled.

She cackled again and gave him a wide, toothy grin before bidding them goodbye and disappearing off into the night with her mad ninja skills.

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey, Vincent?"

"Hm?"

"Do you think she'll really give us kisses?" Reeve asked, sticking on ten rainbow stickers for good measure.

"Probably just small ones," Vincent said, adding eleven stickers to his red coat just to top Reeve.

"Think now that we've stopped drinking for the next…"

He paused to count on his fingers, but gave up when he saw ten fingers on one hand.

"I don't know, year or so… do you think we can finally get her?"

"We have a better shot than most men," Vincent said, staring at the sheet of rainbow stickers as if they were a lifeline, or maybe his last trump card.

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking."

--------------------------------------------------------------

**Author's Note:** This is the last chapter of this fic. It was originally titled Thinking, hence the ending bit, but it was supposed to be humorous, so I changed it to WRAVSND. I've got to be in the right mood to write this stuff, so the tone gets a little more serious near the end just because that's my usual style. All in all, it was an interesting experiment in this writing style and I hope you enjoyed this fic.

Finite,

Asanisan


End file.
